it's all downhill from here

anger is not a good thing. neither is sadness. sometimes the two are intermingled. because it's easier to be angry than sad. but it's hard to be angry. it hurts. and it leaves a lasting impression.
it hurts to not be able to tell someone something and it hurts to think someone is keeping things from you, even if they do have the best of intentions. it hurts to think that people want to ruin good things for others, even if it won't make them happy in the long run, only sad or angry.

another strong feeling is hate. no one likes to admit that they hate someone, even if they claim to do so with relish. because hating someone hurts you as well. because there is a reason you hate them. and when you think of it, you feel angry or sad. and hating someone is pointless. the hate can't reach out at strike them, as much as you want it to. even if you believe in karma, hate is intangible and can only be felt in vibes, if you believe in them. but what does it matter if they don't know you hate them. its only valid if two parties feel it. because the hated needs to confirm the hate in order for it it have effect. otherwise, the hate is unfelt by anyone except you.

helplessness is the worst though. possibly moreso than sadness or anger. at least you can direct those at someone. helplessness leaves you feeling, well, helpless. and there is nothing you can do about it. no one can help you, you can't solve the problem, you are lost. forget about it. there is no breadcrumb trail to follow back home. have fun crying yourself to sleep tonight because that is what you will be doing.

understanding is what i aim to achieve when it comes to others. that is the sole basis behind my chosen course of study. but how can you understand someone when you feel all these feelings at once? can you objectively separate the self to see the other person? when is it all right to be 'selfish' again and tend to your own wounds. when can you stop trying to see their point of view and demand help for yourself without sounding selfish.

maybe all feelings are selfish. of course, they all relate to the self, so they are, but when you feel something it potentially blocks out another being. it stops you from understanding them. but why do they have the right to be understood more than you? where do you draw the line? and isn't it just selfishness that makes people undertake any action at all? selfishness disguised as ambition, caring for someone, being upset, all of it is just another plea for the spotlight. isn't it?